She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
