two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
