Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Randomize
