that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
