im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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