I wish my penis had an off switch
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
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