My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
