I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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