Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
