I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
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