There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Randomize