Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
