Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
