i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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