Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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