you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
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