Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
