I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Randomize
