Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
