Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
17 Women That Lost Condoms Up Their Lady Parts
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
23 People Confess The Most F*cked Up Thing Guests Have Done In Their House
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now