yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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