weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
