Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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