So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
