God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Even my vagina gasped.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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