Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
