dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
