The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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