The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
