the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
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