dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
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