the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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