margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
