Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
