I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
