i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Randomize
