You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
