I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
