My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
