A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I forgot how hot balto sounded
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Randomize
