Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
