Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Randomize
