just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
