hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
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I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize