My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
