Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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