planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
