Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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