weddingsv make me drug and hornr
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
