I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
