Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Couch. On fire.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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