you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
