apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
