i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
