I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
my phone needs a breathalizer
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize