she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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