I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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