What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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